Response to "A Dream"

Great story, J..J.  This is about a sorry guy named, Gabe.  He spends all of his time getting stoned and going to school.  He is never social and believes it has to do with how he is as a person.  He can't be social because he is too serious, he's fat, he can't be happy with anyone since his last girlfriend, etc.  After hanging out with his drug dealer, Win, and his friend Tori, (two awesome characters) he is alone and goes to sleep.  In his sleep, he hears a voice that basically says that all the crappy stuff in the world is beautiful underneath, and you have to be diligent to see it.  When Gabe wakes up he writes stories about what he has learned.

I liked how you contrasted his two dreams.  The first dream was dark and the liquid surrounding him was disgusting and he was unable to see through it.  The second was opposite but shared similar aspects (the flashbacks, the rainbows, etc.).  The story was so awkward and that was a great thing.  By the time Gabe was sitting with Win, I felt uncomfortable with the social awkwardness going on.  That was perfect.

I think you made Tori's character a little too obviously slutty.  I'm not too sure if that is a bad thing or not though.  The dialogue thoughout the story was good.  There was one part that I thought was unnecessary.  When Gabe is making the gravity bong the exchange follows,“Want a grav? You’re up.” “Yeah! For sure.”  I understood what was going on the whole time, and I didn't see the usefulness of this exchange between Tori and Gabe.  I really do like this story, man.  Other than those few things, I'd say it's great.

Response to "As Big as Light"

Robert, awesome story.  This was about a guy named Dean trying to hold on to memories as an aging man.  He writes in his diary and starts with this story.  It is about this boy Adrian who is arguing with his father.  His father has become a drunk because of his wife's debilitating health.  Adrian decides to try and commit suicide, but Dean talks him down.  At the end of the story, Adrian has become somewhat of a man.

This is a great idea.  I like stories told from an elderly perspective.  It's cool how you showed us Dean's past life in the way an old guy would tell a story.  Dean already had a problem with forgetting and you added one part where he trailed off and had to remind himself what he was talking about.  The trail off was actually great because it told me more about Adrian and emphasized the fact Dean is old and forgetful.  I loved the writing in general.  There were so many lines that I'm jealous of like, "perplexed, I turned and padded my way forward, feeling very much like a muffled, ominous metronome."  I think you really have something going for you as far as that goes.


I didn't figure out that Adrian was trying to kill himself with the rope until way after the rope was mentioned.  I'm not sure if that was your intention or not, but I originally thought that he had was vandalizing the house or something.  I thought that the rope was holding something above the door and it was a way to get back at his father.  Also, when Adrian was telling Dean about the lights on the house he mentions the more he would back up the bigger he would get.  If he was backing up towards the light, he would actually get smaller.

Response to "Dreams and Reality"

This is a story about Luke, a boy with a dream.  Working on the dairy farm with his father was not the life he wanted.  He felt like there had to be more to his life.  He wanted to make his own way.  He felt that his calling, was to be a baseball star.  His father took him out of the game, however.  He did not approve of Luke's ambition.  Luke was not one to give up however.  He started saving money in his shoebox for Mississippi State.  When he got there he found out he was no good and returned to his family.  Turns out his father had a check and a plane ticket sitting on deck for him.

This story was really a home run.  I liked the struggle between father and son.  Family commitment and personal dreams.  You have to go after your dreams.  That's why I like Luke so much.  He was never afraid to steal the base, even when he didn't get a signal from the coach.  The end of the story was great too.  I was expecting it to be a shutout with Luke getting what he wanted.  But he failed, and realized that his position was in right field with his family's farm.

There were a few things I didn't like about it though.  It mainly stemmed from the fact that it was such a quick story.  I think the lack of depth in the character of Eric was a failed sacrifice bunt. I wanted to know more about him.  You could show him cheering Luke on more, as opposed to his father.  I also wanted to see the father's heartache after Luke left the home team of his family.  That is a great conflict that you can work with more.  I think it would be a strikeout if you dropped this story, but if you polish it up, I know it will be the most valuable story.

Response to "Aveux"

This story is about a guy named Vince who is dealing with a lot of issues.  His wife committed suicide years before, and he was so torn up, he could only confide in the love he had for his daughter and his dog, Shadow.  He eventually started having an affair with a lady named Erica.  He explains to her that he doesn't believe God cares about him or anything.  God and love are fairy tales. Erica eventually commits suicide and Vince is arrested for it.  He goes to jail, gets out, and writes a self help book. The daughter points out that his book is contradictory to the Bible.  After feeling guilty, he suggests they move and start over, leaving his aged dog behind.  He then realizes that God is faithful to show his love to us.

I liked the idea of this story.  I think it was cool that he was framed for a murder that was really a suicide that resulted from his insecurities and insensitivity.  I think his secludedness and apathy were believable considering all the trouble he went through.  I think the dialogue really pushed the story along without being too obvious.

I think this story was a little bit too busy though.  There was so many things that happened, but they were summed up so it was hard to see the conflict. I think your story would be better if you focused on one or two of the things that happen.  If it were me, I would start the story with him getting out of jail and deciding to write his self help novel.  Then, focus on the conflict with the church, his daughter, and the praise from the media.  The fact is, all the details you have are the makings of a full novel, not a short story.

Response to "Casting Shadows"

This story is a about a girl who has died and is in a world called, Sanctuary.  A lot of the beginning of the story is her figuring out who she is and where she is.  From what I read, it seems like she always wanted a  life in which she could make her own choices (she was 16).  When she got into Sanctuary she realized that she was the subject of a conspiracy run by the guy that killed her, Kain.  I wasn't too clear what the conspiracy was about.  She gets freaked out and runs away from sanctuary. The main character realized that she wanted a normal life, but was being pursued.  She ends up trying to kill her trainer Kage, and then kills herself, and the story ends.

Even though your story is unconventional, it did grasp my attention.  It reminded me a bit of the movie "Wrist Cutters." I liked the idea of exploring the afterlife and how there are troubles just like in regular life.  I like the way you brought her into the new world and described the world she was in.

The extreme detail of the story really confused me and lost my attention.  I couldn't understand what the conspiracy was, what the training was for, etc.  I feel like you could get rid of a lot of the details like her bedroom, her training, etc. You should focus more on the actual conflict of the story.  I think that the subject matter in general might have fallen under the category of genre-fiction. I only say that because a lot of the subject matter was over my head.  I still like your idea.  Just make it a little more accessible to a large audience of readers. On a smaller note, I don't really like your random interjections like, "great," "yippe," "oh well," etc.  Also. there are a lot of places, specifically compound sentences, in your story that need commas.

Response to "Whatever Gods May Be"

Cool story, Kody!  This was a story about a guy named Thomas who became a pastor, but through reading certain passages in the Bible, ended up questioning his faith.  The desires of the character are a littler unclear until he reads the passage about Abraham which is the verse that shakes his faith.  He seems to want to resolve this crisis so he can go about his life but doesn't do much to pursue the resolve.  The conflict is obviously his crisis of faith.  At the end of the story, he resigns from his position after talking to his wife and coming up with no belief.  He doesn't seem to want to lie to himself about what he does and does not believe.  I think this story is trying to convey the idea that some people don't believe simply because they just can't force themselves to.  It must be natural and in Thomas' case, it was not natural. 

I like the subject matter.  The crisis of faith tends to be a popular subject in each person's life and in conversations (or debates).  I think the fact that you use a preacher as the main character is a good choice. Preachers do lose their faith and the conflict is larger since you made his profession directly tied with Christianity. 

To me, the main problems with this story are the lack of depth in character and scenes.  I feel like the relationship between Thomas and his wife was overly-perfect.  A lot of this came from the shallowness of the wife I think.  When Thomas was thinking about changing careers, she didn't object at all.  When he confronted her with his new disbelief in Christianity and the Bible she said, "Everything I believe comes from you." She kind of seems like a bland sidekick.  These scenes are good opportunities for conflict and deepening the character of Bethany.  I also think the part where she tells Thomas about her pregnancy went to smoothly and too fast.  The fact that they had money problems should have brought forth some tension.  Other than this stuff, I think you've got a lot of good stuff to work with. 

Response to "Once in a Lifetime"

This is a beautiful story by Jhumpa Lahiri. The main character of this story is a young girl named Hema.  When the story begins she is six years old, but most of the story takes place when she is around thirteen.  The story is told in first person, but she is addressing one of the other characters in the story, named Kaushik.  When she is six and Kaushik is nine, her family throws Kaushik's family a going away party.  They move back to India from Cambridge.  But after about seven or eight years, Kaushik's family moves back and stays with Hema's family.  They seem to be very American and materialistic.  They don't have very good manners, especially compared to the very traditional habits of Hema's family.  Kaushik in particular seems to be very distant and ungrateful for the hospitality he is shown.  The whole conflict of the story seems to be trying to understand why he acts that way and what will happen to the growing tension between the families.  When it snows at the house, Kaushik shows some happiness and opens up to Hema a bit.  He reveals to her that his mother is dying of breast cancer, and that is why they moved back and she is living sort of like royalty.  Hema is terrified that a dying person is living in her house.  She is not used to the idea of death.  I believe this new knowledge of death is a farewell to the shelter of her childhood.

I get the idea that the narrator never talked to Kaushik again.  I think that the fact that she address him in the story is a very interesting method to use.  Kaushik's mother's cancer was a secret and Hema always kept the secret.  If she were to tell this story in any other fashion she would be breaking her promise to keep it secret.

The was no particular desire of the main character, except to gain the affections of Kaushik which I think was weak, but it worked with all the conflict going on.  I liked how she didn't reveal much about it except what the parents talked about at night.  When you're young you don't really know the details of the drama that goes on with your parents unless you catch glimpses of it like that.

Response to "meow"

Another great story, Cary. This story is about a kid named Cyril. He seems like he is slightly mentally disabled or just absolutely socially awkward in the most intense way.  The story starts as he is in some girls apartment reading her journal.  He is caught and quickly escorted out by her roommate.  He then makes his way over to Captain D's where two of his only friends are, Earl and Jimmy-cat.  After hanging out with Earl for a bit they decide to feed Jimmy-cat some fish like they usually do.  When Cyril goes to find Jimmy-cat in the dumpster area, he sees a very graphic scene. At first, it seemed to me like the cat was dead, but she had really had kittens. 

Cary, you have a lot of things going for you in this story. The character Cyril is really interesting to me. I like how awkward and kind of creepy he is.  I can tell that he has a good heart but is slightly unstable at the same time.  I like his modest interactions with people and his simple way of thinking.  The scenes in this story are really cool too.  How he breaks in to a girl's apartment to chill in her bedroom and how he finds his stray/pet cat having kittens and not really understanding it at first. 

I don't really understand how these two scenes connect. Cyril doesn't seem to have any motives in the story and just floats through. Although the scenes that you wrote are really interesting and cool, I didn't find any meaning in them. But I know you're great writer though and there's something there. I think you should just try and develop it and show it more. I would also look back on some of the dialogue. It felt a little cliche in certain places or maybe unnatural. For instance, when Cyril is talking to Earl and asks him why he smokes.  Earl's response seemed really cliche for some reason. Also, I would think of a different name.  I think "Meow" works, but I think you could come up with something better.  Other than that, I really think you've got some good ideas to work with. 

Response to "Perfect"

This story is about a girl who has decided to be extroverted and fun upon entering college, but really just seems sort of insane.  The conflict seems to be the fact that no one likes this girl.  Reading this story is like watching her life spiral downwards.  It's pretty painful and awesome. The narration of the story is told from the third person perspective.  You can tell that the narrator is biased towards the main character.  The interactions are really funny and interesting.  The main character has bad hygene and is over-eager to talk to guys.  She really hates other girls, especially her former best friend, Darcy.  By the end of the downward spiral of the story, the main character sees that she has been acting absolutely nuts and wants to go back to being her former self.  She invites Darcy over to patch things up.  This sounds like a classic college story of that one girl that goes crazy.

I think this is a great subject choice!  I really liked the awkward conversations that came from this story.  I especially liked how when people would walk away from the main character, she would assume they were jealous or to blown away by her natural beauty.  She couldn't accept that people were just weirded out by her.  I liked the small details you brought to the table such as how she is failing college, her inability to help others in her group because of talking and laughing, her talk with her concerned mother, etc.

I think this story is missing something.  I feel like the main character, although she is acting crazy and probably looks a bit gross, should have some other flaws.  In the story, people are avoiding her so much, and I don't feel like people are that cold.  I feel like some people would be polite and let her craziness slide just to avoid an awkward situation.  I would suggestion making her a rabid alcoholic, but not really mention it too much.  Just casually say something about her water bottle she filled with vodka because it helps her be more outgoing.  That would make it more tragic and believable to me.

Response to "Cats"

Rhamah, I really like your writing style.  Great story.  This story seems to follow a main character who is the narrator and works at an animal shelter, particularly one for cats.  One day a family comes in to possibly buy a cat.  The family consists of a father, mother, and daughter.  They do not seem like the type of people who would even like a cat, especially the mother.  The daughter picks out a cat but can't get it.  The father doesn't like that it has only one eye. The owner really tries to sell a cat to the family. The main character seems to dislike the owner.  The owner comes off as a salesman (saleswoman I guess I should say) to me.  She doesn't care about where the cats go, just as long as she can get rid of them.  I feel like the narrator picks up on this after the owner, or the Cat Lady, says that the visitors who didn't take any cats would have provided a good home: "No, they wouldn’t, I want to say to her. They would have hated a cat. The man with his wrinkled nose and the woman with her fear of hair and the little girl with no respect for claws or lost eyes would have hated any cat, even one as perfect for a family as Lily."  Lily is an unusually friendly cat that the narrator seems to be fond of.  When a young man, about fourteen, walks into the shelter, he comments that he's looking for a cat that could get along with a dog.  Lily used to live with dogs so the narrator invites the boy to look at her.  Lily acts out of character for a moment and bites the boy.  The boy is deterred from buying the cat and asks about the kittens that were brought in at the beginning of the story, and is even willing to wait until they are healthy enough to be given away.  To me this story seems to say something about the imperfections of people.

I like the way you write Rhamah.  The dialogue seemed great and your descriptions were mostly clear and invited my attention.  I like the idea of peering into what it is like to work at animal shelter like this.  It is an opportunity to say a lot about people's unachievable standards for others or for the feeling of rejection and loneliness.

I don't really understand the wants of any particular character, though.  I feel like the plot is weak as a result of a clear path.  I think you should work on the relationship between conflict and desires of the main character or any character.

Response to "Incarnations of Burned Children"

I've read this story for a few other classes and am still blown away by its strength.  The story is about these parents trying to give first aid and console their child.  The story is filled with urgency from the very beginning.  I think David Foster Wallace does a great job in the content of describing the urgency.  Also, I think the way the story is actually written attests to the urgency within the story.  For example, the whole story is literally one big paragraph.  The sentences within this paragraph are very long and full of action.  They describe the thoughts that race through the mind of the father and assist his urgency in fixing the problem.  

The pont of view is interesting.  I feel like this story would be a good story if it were told from the point of view of the father or mother, but it would not accomplish the same things that this version does.  The third person perspective is able to view the scene as a whole and separate the reader from it at random moments.  For instance, during the chaos the narrator breaks from the scene for a sentence to describe "a bird in the oak across the driving" watching the door hanging by a hinge. 

The outcome of the child's fate is a little unclear.  I interpreted it as the child losing his childhood.  He doesn't die, because his "body expanded and walked about and drew pay and lived its life untenanted..." I do think however, that the innocence was taken from the child.

The shortest sentence in the story is a strong summary of what this is about: "If you've never wept and want to, have a child."  The fact that as you raise a child he or she will experience pain in some way is a crushing realization.  

Response to "The summer of Lemon Drops"

Great story, Nate.  This is a story about a guy who gets sentenced to community service for, from what I can tell, being drunk.  He doesn't reveal his name, but the guy he works with, John, calls him "college boy."  After his confrontation with a sort of manly female police officer, college boy goes to Florida to do his community Florida instead of going to New York for an internship he had his heart set on.  College boy describes in good detail what his job entails and his daily routine basically.  One day, while digging, he discovers a wooden chest with a not attached to it.  The note is in German.  John guesses that it is treasure and sure enough there is gold in it.  After daydreaming about their plans, John reveals that it's just lead with gold paint.

I think this is a cool idea.  It seems like you know a lot about the type of work that college boy is forced to do.  I liked how you were able to go into detail about that stuff.  It was really believable and added to the story.  I liked the relationship you created between John and the narrator.  I know some guys that remind me of John and you did a great job bringing out that content, older character.

I do think there are some things that are missing from this story, however.  I think the story lacks the conflict that it needs, and I'm not really sure what the character wants, either.  I feel like once you figure out the wants of the character, the conflict will be easy to come up with.  I think you could do something with the relationship between John and the narrator to cause conflict.  Maybe John could be a drunk, abusive, etc.  Maybe instead of there being a treasure chest, have some other type of incident that happens with John that is really crazy.  I feel like that would create a lot of change in the narrator.  Also, I don't really see where lemon drops play into the story.  Maybe you can work with that symbolism a little more.

Response to "Animals"

Another great story, Adam.  To me this story is about a guy, who isn't named, who is obsessed with being rebellious.  He tends to really stress the fact that he is a twisted, troubled criminal, but that he is good at what he does.  I think he is very untrustworthy for his stories, but that makes me really love him.  His girlfriend plays a large role in his life.  He loves her almost as much as his "dangerous" lifestyle and is obsessed with bringing out her primal, animalistic spirit.  He immediately feels guilty after he reaction to his efforts backfire.  It almost seems like he was looking for confirmation that he was heroic or interesting since he was a thief.  She reacted in a way that did not support that and he felt sort of dumb.  After the death of his sister and his spiral into depression, she turns the corner and becomes the type of person he always wanted her to be.  At the point where she is "corrupted," our main character is not happy, but guilty that he has tainted someone like her. 

I really liked the unreliability of the narrator.  There was one point where he mentioned something about curb stomping someone.  I definitely think that he was lying or exaggerating at best.  I like how that made him.  As usual, your imagery is really powerful.  I liked especially when you were talking about the seed and the vine when it came to innocent girls.  

One of the only things I would really suggest for this is to add more dialogue.  The whole thing is being told, and I think there is something to be said about that.  The voice is really made known in that.  However, I think that the use of dialogue in certain instances would add to the weight of the story.  For instance, when he brings the jacket to Jenny.  That would be great dialogue.  I definitely think you should still put more weight on the voice, though.  Just add in some dialogue to keep it fresh and add to the intensity. 

Response to "For the Love of the Game"

This is a story about a girl named Lindsey and her search for her father, Joel Johnson.  Joel is a major league pitcher.  Lindsey has never met her dad and lives alone with her mom.  Her mother is hesitant to even speak with Lindsey about her dad, but of course, Lindsey is curious.  She gets tickets to go to a game that her dad is playing and ends up getting the chance to meet him.  However, she finds that he wasn't ready for that, and reads a personal letter he left her.

I loved the descriptions of the video.  I liked how you took your time to really get into the moment of what was going on.  Baseball is a relatively slow sport.  A description like this wouldn't work for something like soccer or football I don't think.  I was nervous the story would just be about the actual game that was going on, but you did a great job changing scenes and focusing in on Lindsey.  I also liked the amount of conflict.  You really did a spectacular job over all.

I think this story should be longer.  You did such a good job of describing each second of Joel on the pitcher's mound in the video tape, but the rest of the story seemed rushed.  For instance, the officer that led her to the locker room.  I thought it was kind of convenient that he was there and was so willing to offer her a chance to meet Joel.  I think in reality he would be more hesitant.  I think maybe some dialogue between the two would help.  Also, an hour and a half seems like a short amount of time to wait on her dad she hasn't seen in her whole life.  I feel like she would be forced out of the building. Finally, I think you should tell the reader the age of Lindsey.  At first I thought she was a little girl and then in college.

I really liked this story.  You've got a lot of skill.  This just needs a little polishing.

Response to "Losing Sincerity"

"Losing Sincerity" is a story about this guy named Brad who is the supervisor of a hotel bar and restaurant.  Brad is a younger guy, about twenty I think, who simply wants "to party, date, and experience college" like his fellow peers do.  However, Brad has a responsibility that the others don't have and a bit of a lust for power.  At some points Brad admits to "[loving] the sense of power" that came with his job.  He tends to view other people as shallow, incompetent, and unfair in their criticisms of him.  Despite the fact he enjoys belittling people and giving out orders, he has grown weary of this job.  The first paragraph really establishes this.  Brad seems to want a change, and to live a normal college life, but stays at his job. The night this story takes place, there is a huge party that will most likely spiral out of control.

I liked that this was a story about the hotel restaurant business.  I generally like stories about restaurants, but this was especially cool because I've never heard of how the hotel business works.  I think it's interesting the way he views the college students that are at the bar partying.  He views them as stupid and a nuisance.  However, the lifestyle they live is the lifestyle he wants.  So he treats everyone as stupid, shuts the party down, etc.  I'm not sure if this is a result of his feelings of jealousy and bitterness, or if he is so responsible that he does his job like a professional and does not give in to his jealousy.

I do think the story could use more conflict between Alyson and Brad.  I liked the conflict of the huge party, but I felt like the relationships and hatred of Brad should be emphasized.  I also think there could be more of a change in Brad.  As a result of all the conflict with the strained relationships, Brad could be confronted with his egotism.

Great job on this, Taylor. I think with a little polishing this story will be just right.

Response to "The Grind"

Cole, I liked this story.  I've always wondered about the employment process for big time talk shows in New York.  The story seems to surround the main character, Skipper Fischer and his journey through the application process for a famous talk show called "Midnight Slot with Stewart Donahue."  The character seems to be almost indifferent to his skill of writing; he's simply got a knack for it.  Towards the end of this process he starts to realize how shallow the actual writing is for the show and the business of late night talk shows in general.  The potential employees for the company, and even Donahue himself, come off as greedy, lacking in talent, and venomous towards celebrities and their audience.  Repulsed by what he is hearing, Skipper tosses his notebook and leaves the room.

I liked the idea for the story in general.  It's an interesting subject that I don't hear about a lot.  I think you did a good job staying inside the main character's head.  I felt like that was very important with the story since Skipper separates himself from everyone else involved in the story.  He even disassociates himself with Ryan, the "errand boy."  However, Skipper and Ryan aren't that different.  If anything, Ryan is more connected than Skipper since he is employed.  I also liked the end, how Donahue takes Skipper's notebook.  It shows how desperate and greedy that business can be.

I do think some things needed work.  It didn't make sense to me that Skipper was such a purist, but so indifferent to his passion.  If Skipper was more passionate about pure comedy and the skill required to produce it, his reactions to the dull, money-based attitudes of the company would make more sense.  I would work on deepening the character of Skipper.  That was the biggest thing to me.  Other than that, I would probably focus on polishing up some dialogue.  The voice of Martin didn't stay very consistent with me.  During the interview, he seemed to talk like an older guy.  That made sense.  However, the encounter in the hall between Martin and Skipper seemed awkward.

"Oh, hey man," [Martin] said.  "You must be looking for the Writing Room, right?"

That greeting sounded like it came from someone much younger.  Maybe that's something you wanted to get across.  I would just work on small stuff like that.

Other than that, I thought you did a near-perfect job.

Response to "Over the Counter"

Great story, Kody.  I really liked your idea for this one.  To me, this story seemed to surround the character Mark Nichols.  Mark is a struggling father, who seems to be single.  He receives a letter from the bank that says he and his family are being evicted and his house is being foreclosed.  The conflict starts off strong on this first page.  Mark wants to fix this problem, but it seems he is so deep into debt that the best way he can handle it is through ignoring it.  He seems to be devout in raising his children in the right way, but he just can't figure out how to deal with this huge debt problem.  Mark runs into a friend who suggests that he start dealing drugs.  Mark is reluctant to agree at first, but in a moment of desperation, gives in to the idea.

I really liked the idea of this story.  I think someone being pressured into illegal means of acquiring money because of the current job market is very believable and real.  It was one of those stories with a good main character pushed into a bad situation.  I loved your imagery, man.  You have a knack for describing things in creative ways. "My eyes slogged through the lines, each letter hit my eye like a typewriter's hammer. The ink sank into my brain." That was a great line.

I do think there are some areas where this story could be made more complete.  I wanted to know more about why he was struggling so much.  Where is his wife in this? Is there a wife? Why doesn't his job pay enough?  I also would like to see a bit more conflict with the drugs.  Maybe he gets caught stealing or some shady deal goes doesn't end well.  At the end of the story, I just didn't see a lot about how the character had changed.

Overall, I liked the story.  I think with a bit more conflict it would make for a better read.  This is a great start.

Response to "Winter's Chill"

Lauren, nice story!  There was so much conflict in this story.  It seemed to show a glimpse into the marriage of these two characters, Mr. Smart and Clara Smart.  The marriage seems to have some tension in it that has been going on for some time.  Mr. Smart is a funeral home director who has to go collect bodies every now and then.  During this story, Mr. Smart gets a call to go collect a body in the mountains right after he comes across a text from his wife's phone.  The text says, "I love you too." Mr. Smart seems to be suspicious of Clara, but has to leave.  The story then switches to Clara later on that night as she receives a call that her husband died.

I really liked the tense moments in the argument.  I feel like you have a lot going for your story, because many people know that feeling of suspicion in a relationship.  Also, the fact that Mr. Smith has a sort of grim occupation and is several years older than Clara makes it believable that he would be insecure and constantly suspicious of his wife's activities.  I liked the way you described the way the two met: "At that point, or maybe it was the drink in him, he made it his ambition to make her his. After a few drinks, talking became easier for the awkward pair. Months went by, dates came and went, a proposal, and here they were." I liked the lack of romance in that. It almost seems like a weekend hookup that turned into a marriage.

I feel like though this story had very interesting conflict, there was a lot that it was missing.  One of the things was the characters' wants.  I do think that you have a lot to work with.  The conflict was so sticky and great, but it just never finished.  The main character flipped towards the end from Mr. Smith to Clara, which I think is fine and actually pretty cool.  However, Mr. Smith did not seem to ever establish what he wanted.  I think Clara was clear that she wanted to resolve the conflict.

Response to Adam Smith's short story

Adam, great story!  To me, this story is about a young girl, Margaret, an orphan who is adopted by a mentally unstable woman named, Lucy.  Once she is adopted she quickly finds out that Lucy is very paranoid of the outside world and unwilling to give her any amount of freedom.  This brings about the desires of Margaret.  She gets bored living with Lucy and wants to spend time with friends and think for herself.  After meeting an exceptionally charming young man named Marcus.  This adds to Margaret's wants.  At the end of the story, Margaret changes by witnessing Marcus abuse a young woman that probably ended in death.  Margaret begins to see the world like her mother Lucy.

I loved the way you made the wants and conflict rise throughout the story.  The wants of Margaret seemed to go from wanting to be adopted, to wanting to have a more exciting life, to Marcus.  It really developed the character.  I initially thought the main conflict was going to involve only Lucy and Margaret, but you did a fantastic job cultivating the conflict.  Marcus was immediately a trusting character and you flipped him around which was really cool.  I really loved the part when Marcus is arguing and says, "You ought to show me your tongue right now, so I can crush it with a pair of bricks. That would shut you up."  That is so violent! It really works in showing how messed up and wolf-like Marcus is. Also, that constant idea of wolves is good touch.  The final sentence really brings the story together.

I would pay attention to the beginning of your story, however.  It seems rushed.  The actually events don't start until eight years later.  I feel like the beginning should have some more detail and maybe focus more on how Margaret sees this happening.  I did like, however, how you added Aunt Judy's perspective.  I would think about adding specific details of Lucy that disturb Aunt Lucy, but don't give away her flaws immediately.

Awesome job, Adam.  I really enjoyed reading this story.  You nailed it!

Response to "The Last bit of Homemade Sugar"

Nate, I really liked this story.  The main character seems to be the narrator.  I don't think you mentioned the name.  The obvious conflict in the story starts towards the end, when a friend of the family, Jonesy, has a heart attack.  Chaos ensues as the grandfather and the father race Jonesy to the hospital.  Once the truck drives away after being stuck, the narrator's thoughts move towards the afterlife.  The theme of this story seems to be a lot about family and good values, but then quickly shifts to themes of morality and how tragedy can crash into good moments. 

I liked closeness of the family and community.  This story almost seemed like creative nonfiction which I really like.  The relationship between the grandfather and the narrator seemed very natural and real.  Grandfathers definitely like to give out gum and say things like, "Hey buddy, what do ya say?"  I liked that. 

I would like to see more family interactions.  Most of the story is the narrator describing the history and what the family likes to do together.  I would like to understand more about the relationship between the father and the son, the uncle, and even the family friends.  I didn't know who they were until the phone call about the heart attack happened.  If you added more about the relationships, it would intensify the conflict.  Also, it was hard for me to really see what the main character wanted.  The story seemed to be mostly just the background and history of his family.  I liked that, but that was three- fourths of the whole story.  The conflict of the heart attack was great, but only lasted about a page.  I feel like you could do a lot with that.  Even before the heart attack, the narrator seems to just be wandering without thinking of any desire.  That seemed a bit unreal to me, because no matter how good things are going in life, there is always something in the back of my mind, whether it's a problem or a desire.  I feel like if you paid more attention to that, it could really improve the story.  

Response to "Deception"

Great job on this, Laurel.  To me, this story is about the failure of a marriage due to infidelity with a bit of action.  Marcy, the antagonist, is a middle aged wife of a dentist, Kevin.  She seems to really love Kevin and she gives him the benefit of the doubt on many different occasions.  However, Kevin is does not seem to enjoy the marriage anymore.  He works late often, and is generally sketchy.  By the end of the story, Marcy is in disbelief of her husband trying to murder her and being murdered by someone else.

I really liked the way you portrayed Marcy as a meek, unconditionally loving wife.  In the times when Kevin is acting shady, she yields to what he wants.  For instance, she sacrifices her want of a dog, lets Kevin go to the dental convention, etc.  Their conversations seemed very real.  The way Kevin would try to cover up his true intentions, and especially how he talked about how getting a dog was a bad idea, but the equipment was a good idea. Also I thought that minor character, Carol, was very real. She reminded me of the small town gossips that really exist in my hometown.

Despite how real these aspects were, I felt there was a lot lacking in the story concerning Marcy.  I didn't really see clearly what she wanted, and I couldn't tell how she changed at the end of the story.  Even though she is very meek, which I love, I feel like her reactions to Kevin would be a bit more bitter.  If you didn't want to go in that direction, I would suggest intensifying her insecurities.  Without working in these two directions, the story is left a little bland.  I would also suggest trying to establish the relationship between Marcy and Kevin earlier in the story.  I didn't find out how old they were or why Marcy was anxious until a few pages in.  I actually thought the two were in their early twenties for the first page and a half or so.

I really think this is a good idea.  It does seem to teeter on the edge of genre fiction, but I kinda dig mysteries/suspense.

Response to "Off"

Aimee Bender's story "Off" is a very unique story.  The unnamed main character and narrator is a narcissistic woman who seems to prey on other people, by using men for attention and competing with other women to boost her self-esteem.  It's difficult for me to say exactly what this character wants, but it is clear that it is a self-serving desire.  I would say, however, that she desires affirmation.  She thinks back to when she was in grade school and how her teacher never noticed how intricate and interesting her paintings were.  The teacher didn't say they were bad, but actually complemented them.  However, this did not please the narrator, because that was not the compliment she was looking for.  It was almost as if she wanted to be noticed as someone morbid, but beautiful. 

I think the title of this story is endlessly interesting.  "Off" was the name of pet she once owned.  Off was a purebred, which made sense since the main character was wealthy.  She would take Off to the park and yell its name and the dog would run to her.  She thought that this was equivalent to a tourist attraction to the others in the park.  I would bet that this is probably untrue, because of the unreliability of the narrator. She does not seem logical and very egocentric.  Anyway, she believed that her doing this perplexed the others.  When her purebred dog died early, she let it suffer and then fed its ashes to the cat next door, because it was tormented by Off's size.  

The way she treated this dog seemed to mirror how she acted at the party.  She severely mistreated the one who should have been closest to her, Adam, her ex-boyfriend.  She would lead him on, use him for a spectacle, and then rid herself of him as soon as possible.  

I feel like I could talk about this story for several pages.  I really liked it, despite the dismal subject matter. 

Response to "The Love of my Life"

"The Love of my Life" by T.C. Boyle is a story about two teenagers that are completely infatuated with each other.  Boyle chronicles one year of their lives together and how drastically circumstances changed for them.  In doing this, he uses the third person point of view which I thought was more than effective.  The narrator was able to bounce in and out of the heads of the two main characters, China and Jeremy.  I liked the way these two characters changed throughout the story.  Boyle inserted so much conflict in their lives, I felt extremely uncomfortable reading it.  However, the idea of having unprotected sex and hiding the pregnancy is a very a real one.  Every year this sort of thing happens.  Boyle used this real subject matter and wrote it in such a way that the reader could almost sympathize with the protagonists.  Several times reading this I had to stop and be grateful I wasn't in the shoes of the characters.

The imagery was outstanding.  Not only did Boyle take advantage of the graphic nature of this story to describe some very gruesome details, but he also paid attention to smaller aspects.  For instance, I loved the description of Jeremy's exhaustion on page 144:

"He'd never been so tired, his head on a string, shoulders slumped, his arms like two pillars of concrete."

Though the ending of this story made sense, I did not think it was fair.  If Jeremy were to go to jail, which I think was just, I wanted China there, too.  She seemed to be the reason that the baby was not born in a hospital, because she insisted that they ignore the problem.  However, Boyle stayed true to reality.  The fact that bad lawyers do exist, loopholes in the justice system are real, and life isn't fair, made the ending appropriate.

Lauren's "New Coach"

I got the feeling this story was about a huge conflict that really happened.  The main character, Kaylee, is a passionate athlete, but with the new coach there seems to be some really great conflict.  The new coach is cut-throat and does not seem to have the same passion.  He's motives seem to focus on glory and not love of the sport.  This creates a certain tension between the protagonist, Kaylee, and the antagonist, the new coach.  By the end of the story, Kaylee decides to stick to her guns instead of putting up with such a corrupt twist on the sport she loves.  Lauren, I feel like you wanted to show this large contrast which is popular in sports but in a small circumstance.  To me, the new coach represents the heartless side of athletics, where as the other girls, particularly Kaylee, represent the heart. 

I think the idea of contrasting what sports is about is working.  There seems to be a conflict of that in the real world from the differences between college football and the NFL and the way a parent overreacts to a call at a little league baseball game.  The dialogue is definitely strong.  I definitely hear the coach's speech being full of arrogance without any work of my imagination.  You did a good job painting that. Also, the dialogue between the girls is very accurate to what I think they would sound like. 

I would offer some advice here, though.  There is very little action in the story and a lot of telling.  The first page and a half or so are very large summations of the new coach's background that have potential for a lot of detail.  That is hard because that would be so much information and could actually probably be a whole book.  I think a good way to tell the coach's background is to put it in the dialogue between the two friends.  That would be a cool addition to this story I think, and I also think you could do it judging from your other dialogue sections.  

I think this story has a lot of potential, but I believe that you can spice it up a lot with some dialogue and action and maybe cutting back on the information. 

Cary's "Mountain Blood"

Cary, this is a great story.  I'm really impressed.  To me it's very clear that the main character is Chad Grune, the narrator.  I could tell that there was some unresolved trauma in his life by the second paragraph.  He seems like he's wants to get past all the pain he witnessed.  I loved the resolve at the end of the story and how Beau helped him to find it.  Chad seems to go from a troubled young man, barely able to cope with his loss, to a wiser version of himself with a better understanding of the world and how to cope with disappointment and heartache.  I got the feeling you were trying to get across the fact that everyone has some amount of evil within them.  No one is perfect.

I loved how you waited to reveal what exactly happened to Chad and his girlfriend.  It kept me interested throughout the whole story.  The conflict felt perfect.  It made sense how torn up Chad was about his girlfriend, because of the contrast versus good and evil.  Beau was a great character.  When Chad felt some resolve with what happened, he thanked Beau, and Beau's reaction was perfect.  "I hear him shuffle around in his bed and breathe a sigh of contentment."  That just matched up so well with his simple character.  

Most of the dialogue was very believable, but I do think it could use some polishing. For example on page 2: "They’re only workin’ one more week before they’re gone and fresh meat comes in."  This line didn't really match up with Beau's character me.  That may be because I like to picture him more respectable, but I just think "fresh meat" can be a bit cheesy. Also, the tense isn't consistent throughout the whole story.  I think it works best with the past tense, but that's just me.  Either one is good.  I didn't really like the idea of a serial killer.  That kind of seemed like an easy tragedy to come up with.  I would think of something a little different.  (I'll try to think of a suggestion with that for tomorrow).  The last thing I would consider revising is the title.  Although it is a cool title, I just don't think it was good for this particular story.

Cary, this story really speaks highly of your talent. I really enjoyed it.

Jeremy's "Dreams"

Jeremy, I was very impressed by your story.  To me, it seemed like a commentary on perseverance and adolescence and how those two go hand-in-hand.  The story tends to revolve around the two characters Hikari and Sora.  Hikari was the first character introduced, but Sora acts as the protagonist.  He is determined to be strong and skilled enough to defend himself in any situation.  He will know he's accomplished this when he beats the captain, Ryu.  The story does not seem to have much conflict, but acts like an exposition without anything afterwords.  The only change that happens is the relationship between Hikari and Sora, which I liked.

I also loved the dialogue.  I'm not too good at that and was impressed at your ability to make the relationship between Hikari and Sora so real and believable.  It seemed very natural. I also liked the open ending, even though it's on the edge of cliche.

Despite how much I liked it, I do feel like the dialogue could use some polishing.  There were points where it was dragging out a bit or was too vague. When Sora starting describing his relationship with Ryu and why they fight every day, that took away from the present where Hikari and Sora were talking.  Actions between the two became sort of limited.  The story about Ryu and Sora was also sort of summed up very quickly, taking away from the interest.  However, that story about Ryu and Sora seemed interesting if there were more detail.  There were a couple of interactions between Sora and Hikari that seemed a little strange.  The main example I can think of is when Sora laughs until he's crying about something that didn't seem to me that funny.

I liked the story, Jeremy.  If I had to offer any advice, I would say to make the story more about Ryu and Sora and how they met, or take it in a less expository direction and focus on Hikari and Sora.  Overall, I think you're on to something.

Dialogue in the Library

B.J. Choe walks up to the study table with a salad and a bottle of water where Andrew is sketching for his Graphic Design class.

"I'm about to eat this salad."
"Yeah you are."
"Cuz I gotta take my medicine."
"What kind of salad is that?"

B.J. brings the box close to his face.

"I got the uh...Chef's Salad."
"Do you think a chef really prepared that?" Andrew asks without looking up.
"Naw," B.J. laughs as he places the salad box to the side to take out his computer.
"Oh. I bet you wish he did."
"How do I know? Cuz I used to work for Caribou."
"You can tell by the way it is!"
"Haha you can tell by the way it is. Just look at it."

The two laugh at their exclusive inside joke.

"Aw man. I don't want to be in the library. Actually..." Andrew pauses to think. "I just don't want to have to do stuff."
"Dude, I'm right there with ya. I've got so much stuff to do."

B.J. opens the salad box to see the top part of it sticking to the top of the box.

"Yeah, this thing was definitely made by a chef," his voice thick with sarcasm.
"Dude that's the mark of quality right there. The fact that it's glued to the top of the box"

The two chuckle at B.J.'s misfortune. Andrew sighs crumbling the piece of paper he had been writing on and looks around.

"Oh there's Joe. Don't... don't bring up the fact that we want to have U.S.A. shaved in his head."
"Man I kinda want that though."
"He's being sensitive about it. We've been giving him a hard time."
"I rove America doe!" B.J. says in his fake Korean accent.

Joe walks up to our table.

"Hey guys...Aw dammit. I brought the wrong computer. I can't get on the Internet here."

Repsonse to 1-900

Richard Bausch's "1-900" seems to me to be a metaphor of modern day society's selfishness and fear of intimacy.  Also, it demonstrates the power of intimacy.

The structure of the story was confusing at times.  I would get mixed up with who was talking at the time, but it worked. The story was completely dialogue, so the quick back and forth made it easy to read.  I think it would be entertaining to watch actors act this out.

It's interesting that John's wife is mainly interested in "the history of men keeping women down," since he is on the phone with a phone sex employee.  It's an interesting contrast that just demonstrates how badly he gets along with his wife.

John, the caller seems to be interested in Shannon (Marilyn) but constantly talks about his personal life.  He twists every comment she makes to refer back to himself. In addition to this, Shannon resorts to her Marilyn dialogue whenever she is asked a personal question. Eventually, John bugs her so much that she gives in and starts revealing very personal things about her love life, family, and future pursuits. Once she is confronted with herself, it is like looking in a mirror and she is uncomfortable. While she is formerly annoyed with John, new-founded affection for John is strange and she runs away from the intimacy that John is presenting.  John is happy with where the conversation led and is ready for the sex talk.

John and Shannon seem to be two polar opposites. John, obsessed with intimacy and true love, and Shannon with safeguarding her personal life. Both are selfish and unable to give in to what the other desires. When intimacy arises it causes a strong change.  Shannon is now unable to talk about sex and John is. That is the most interesting thing in the story to me.

Response to "Emergnecy"

"Emergency" by Denis Johnson is a short story that I would have to read several more times before I could wrap my mind around it.  It reminded me of a Hunter S. Thompson story.  There was so much casual drug use it stressed me out, but within every action there seemed to be some sort of important meaning hidden between the lines.

The story was set in 1973, which was the end of the hippie movement, that Hunter S. Thompson actually described as a "high and beautiful wave" that crashed and rolled back in his book Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.  This story seems to show the affects of the movement "crashing."

The narrator is a clerk in the hospital who spends most of his time with Georgie, an orderly, and they are almost always doing drugs.  Georgie seems to be more out of his mind than the narrator.  At one point he cuts open a mother rabbit and "saves" its babies.  It's in this moment where Georgie realizes he should have been a doctor so he could save lives.  When the narrator accidently kills the tiny bunnies, Georgie gets furious with him and scolds him by asking, "Does everything you touch turn to shit?"

This seems to be a form of projection on Georgie's part.  He sees his shortcomings, but subconsciously places them on the narrator's shoulders. Meanwhile, the narrator accepts these accusations, because he seems to think with more sense.  For instance, he begs Georgie to take him home back to town and to forget about the rabbits.

Later in the story, the two heroes pick up a hitch hiker that the narrator knows, named Hardee.  Hardee had been drafted and was trying to flee to Canada.  Georgie accepted responsibility for Hardee and decided to take him to Canada.  When Hardee asked him what he did for a living, Georgie said "I save lives."  Georgie's efforts to assist Hardee's escape from the draft was like redemption to his life choice of not being a doctor.

I liked this story, because drug narratives are fun.  I feel like discussions on it could last for a long time and remain interesting.  However, I feel like there was a lot I didn't understand.

"The Inside of a Cup" -short-short exercise

Jeffrey struggled with the rusted lock on his door until it gave way.  The air was almost as cold inside as it was outside.  He walked in darkness to the sink and wiped a dirty cup on his jacket which he hadn't taken off.  The outside of the cup seemed a bit cleaner, but the inside was still coated with dust and the dried film of milk.  He held the cup under the faucet and turned the handle.  The faucet sprayed out water and air and came to an abrupt stop. 

The water bill...

Jeffrey walked to his couch and wrapped himself in the blanket his grandmother had made years ago and turned on the TV.  The dark room lit up from the light of the screen.  A man dressed in a pinstripe suit with gold cufflinks and slicked back hair was selling his book on an infomercial. It was called 8 Steps to the Better You.  Jeffrey left the TV on that channel, because the channel buttons on the remote had quit working.

"Wealth is nothing to be ashamed of.  But in order to acquire it, you have to give to receive.  My new book will walk you through the eight steps that will help you grant yourself the life and wealth you've always wanted.  If you call now---"

The TV shut off leaving Jeffrey cold in the dark.  Far away he could hear the sound of a couple fighting.

The power bill...

Response to "Television"

The short story "Television" was written by Lydia Davis.

The story is told from the first person perspective of a wife and mother.  I feel like this was an appropriate choice.  However, the story isn't your typical narrative.  There is not a clear, sequential order of events or any dialogue.  I think this is effective, though slightly annoying.  The story is about the family gathered around a television all the time.  The narrator describes the many different programs and commercials that go on.  The choppy line breaks signal the short attention span the narrator must have due to the excessive amount of television that is watched.  Also, the absence of dialogue is an effect of the how much television is watched.  This family puts forth all their energy to watching, not discussing.

Another interesting thing I noticed that was important to the story is the way the narrator described her favorite parts of television.  These parts had very much to do with real life.  For instance, when the family is watching the quiz show, their superficiality is displayed by their opinions of the boy and mother.  They don't care about the boy (the show's main focus) and they dislike the mother because she has "bad teeth." The commercials and programs that show only beautiful people have clearly made an impact on the family's psyche.  However, one spark of humanity beckons them away from the television.  They are moved by the father's tears on the television.  They get so caught up in his emotions, they turn off the phone to watch him.  The emotions being shown by the father are stronger than any other emotion on the show and that is what sparks the family's interest.  Unfortunately, this is at the expense of the father on the television, another point the author is surely trying to make.

Overall, this story was moving, convicting, and interesting.  I didn't like her style and felt that a true narrative could have conveyed the same message and point, but that is merely a stylistic preference of mine.