This is a story about a girl named Lindsey and her search for her father, Joel Johnson. Joel is a major league pitcher. Lindsey has never met her dad and lives alone with her mom. Her mother is hesitant to even speak with Lindsey about her dad, but of course, Lindsey is curious. She gets tickets to go to a game that her dad is playing and ends up getting the chance to meet him. However, she finds that he wasn't ready for that, and reads a personal letter he left her.
I loved the descriptions of the video. I liked how you took your time to really get into the moment of what was going on. Baseball is a relatively slow sport. A description like this wouldn't work for something like soccer or football I don't think. I was nervous the story would just be about the actual game that was going on, but you did a great job changing scenes and focusing in on Lindsey. I also liked the amount of conflict. You really did a spectacular job over all.
I think this story should be longer. You did such a good job of describing each second of Joel on the pitcher's mound in the video tape, but the rest of the story seemed rushed. For instance, the officer that led her to the locker room. I thought it was kind of convenient that he was there and was so willing to offer her a chance to meet Joel. I think in reality he would be more hesitant. I think maybe some dialogue between the two would help. Also, an hour and a half seems like a short amount of time to wait on her dad she hasn't seen in her whole life. I feel like she would be forced out of the building. Finally, I think you should tell the reader the age of Lindsey. At first I thought she was a little girl and then in college.
I really liked this story. You've got a lot of skill. This just needs a little polishing.
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