Response to "The Grind"

Cole, I liked this story.  I've always wondered about the employment process for big time talk shows in New York.  The story seems to surround the main character, Skipper Fischer and his journey through the application process for a famous talk show called "Midnight Slot with Stewart Donahue."  The character seems to be almost indifferent to his skill of writing; he's simply got a knack for it.  Towards the end of this process he starts to realize how shallow the actual writing is for the show and the business of late night talk shows in general.  The potential employees for the company, and even Donahue himself, come off as greedy, lacking in talent, and venomous towards celebrities and their audience.  Repulsed by what he is hearing, Skipper tosses his notebook and leaves the room.

I liked the idea for the story in general.  It's an interesting subject that I don't hear about a lot.  I think you did a good job staying inside the main character's head.  I felt like that was very important with the story since Skipper separates himself from everyone else involved in the story.  He even disassociates himself with Ryan, the "errand boy."  However, Skipper and Ryan aren't that different.  If anything, Ryan is more connected than Skipper since he is employed.  I also liked the end, how Donahue takes Skipper's notebook.  It shows how desperate and greedy that business can be.

I do think some things needed work.  It didn't make sense to me that Skipper was such a purist, but so indifferent to his passion.  If Skipper was more passionate about pure comedy and the skill required to produce it, his reactions to the dull, money-based attitudes of the company would make more sense.  I would work on deepening the character of Skipper.  That was the biggest thing to me.  Other than that, I would probably focus on polishing up some dialogue.  The voice of Martin didn't stay very consistent with me.  During the interview, he seemed to talk like an older guy.  That made sense.  However, the encounter in the hall between Martin and Skipper seemed awkward.

"Oh, hey man," [Martin] said.  "You must be looking for the Writing Room, right?"

That greeting sounded like it came from someone much younger.  Maybe that's something you wanted to get across.  I would just work on small stuff like that.

Other than that, I thought you did a near-perfect job.

Response to "Over the Counter"

Great story, Kody.  I really liked your idea for this one.  To me, this story seemed to surround the character Mark Nichols.  Mark is a struggling father, who seems to be single.  He receives a letter from the bank that says he and his family are being evicted and his house is being foreclosed.  The conflict starts off strong on this first page.  Mark wants to fix this problem, but it seems he is so deep into debt that the best way he can handle it is through ignoring it.  He seems to be devout in raising his children in the right way, but he just can't figure out how to deal with this huge debt problem.  Mark runs into a friend who suggests that he start dealing drugs.  Mark is reluctant to agree at first, but in a moment of desperation, gives in to the idea.

I really liked the idea of this story.  I think someone being pressured into illegal means of acquiring money because of the current job market is very believable and real.  It was one of those stories with a good main character pushed into a bad situation.  I loved your imagery, man.  You have a knack for describing things in creative ways. "My eyes slogged through the lines, each letter hit my eye like a typewriter's hammer. The ink sank into my brain." That was a great line.

I do think there are some areas where this story could be made more complete.  I wanted to know more about why he was struggling so much.  Where is his wife in this? Is there a wife? Why doesn't his job pay enough?  I also would like to see a bit more conflict with the drugs.  Maybe he gets caught stealing or some shady deal goes doesn't end well.  At the end of the story, I just didn't see a lot about how the character had changed.

Overall, I liked the story.  I think with a bit more conflict it would make for a better read.  This is a great start.

Response to "Winter's Chill"

Lauren, nice story!  There was so much conflict in this story.  It seemed to show a glimpse into the marriage of these two characters, Mr. Smart and Clara Smart.  The marriage seems to have some tension in it that has been going on for some time.  Mr. Smart is a funeral home director who has to go collect bodies every now and then.  During this story, Mr. Smart gets a call to go collect a body in the mountains right after he comes across a text from his wife's phone.  The text says, "I love you too." Mr. Smart seems to be suspicious of Clara, but has to leave.  The story then switches to Clara later on that night as she receives a call that her husband died.

I really liked the tense moments in the argument.  I feel like you have a lot going for your story, because many people know that feeling of suspicion in a relationship.  Also, the fact that Mr. Smith has a sort of grim occupation and is several years older than Clara makes it believable that he would be insecure and constantly suspicious of his wife's activities.  I liked the way you described the way the two met: "At that point, or maybe it was the drink in him, he made it his ambition to make her his. After a few drinks, talking became easier for the awkward pair. Months went by, dates came and went, a proposal, and here they were." I liked the lack of romance in that. It almost seems like a weekend hookup that turned into a marriage.

I feel like though this story had very interesting conflict, there was a lot that it was missing.  One of the things was the characters' wants.  I do think that you have a lot to work with.  The conflict was so sticky and great, but it just never finished.  The main character flipped towards the end from Mr. Smith to Clara, which I think is fine and actually pretty cool.  However, Mr. Smith did not seem to ever establish what he wanted.  I think Clara was clear that she wanted to resolve the conflict.

Response to Adam Smith's short story

Adam, great story!  To me, this story is about a young girl, Margaret, an orphan who is adopted by a mentally unstable woman named, Lucy.  Once she is adopted she quickly finds out that Lucy is very paranoid of the outside world and unwilling to give her any amount of freedom.  This brings about the desires of Margaret.  She gets bored living with Lucy and wants to spend time with friends and think for herself.  After meeting an exceptionally charming young man named Marcus.  This adds to Margaret's wants.  At the end of the story, Margaret changes by witnessing Marcus abuse a young woman that probably ended in death.  Margaret begins to see the world like her mother Lucy.

I loved the way you made the wants and conflict rise throughout the story.  The wants of Margaret seemed to go from wanting to be adopted, to wanting to have a more exciting life, to Marcus.  It really developed the character.  I initially thought the main conflict was going to involve only Lucy and Margaret, but you did a fantastic job cultivating the conflict.  Marcus was immediately a trusting character and you flipped him around which was really cool.  I really loved the part when Marcus is arguing and says, "You ought to show me your tongue right now, so I can crush it with a pair of bricks. That would shut you up."  That is so violent! It really works in showing how messed up and wolf-like Marcus is. Also, that constant idea of wolves is good touch.  The final sentence really brings the story together.

I would pay attention to the beginning of your story, however.  It seems rushed.  The actually events don't start until eight years later.  I feel like the beginning should have some more detail and maybe focus more on how Margaret sees this happening.  I did like, however, how you added Aunt Judy's perspective.  I would think about adding specific details of Lucy that disturb Aunt Lucy, but don't give away her flaws immediately.

Awesome job, Adam.  I really enjoyed reading this story.  You nailed it!

Response to "The Last bit of Homemade Sugar"

Nate, I really liked this story.  The main character seems to be the narrator.  I don't think you mentioned the name.  The obvious conflict in the story starts towards the end, when a friend of the family, Jonesy, has a heart attack.  Chaos ensues as the grandfather and the father race Jonesy to the hospital.  Once the truck drives away after being stuck, the narrator's thoughts move towards the afterlife.  The theme of this story seems to be a lot about family and good values, but then quickly shifts to themes of morality and how tragedy can crash into good moments. 

I liked closeness of the family and community.  This story almost seemed like creative nonfiction which I really like.  The relationship between the grandfather and the narrator seemed very natural and real.  Grandfathers definitely like to give out gum and say things like, "Hey buddy, what do ya say?"  I liked that. 

I would like to see more family interactions.  Most of the story is the narrator describing the history and what the family likes to do together.  I would like to understand more about the relationship between the father and the son, the uncle, and even the family friends.  I didn't know who they were until the phone call about the heart attack happened.  If you added more about the relationships, it would intensify the conflict.  Also, it was hard for me to really see what the main character wanted.  The story seemed to be mostly just the background and history of his family.  I liked that, but that was three- fourths of the whole story.  The conflict of the heart attack was great, but only lasted about a page.  I feel like you could do a lot with that.  Even before the heart attack, the narrator seems to just be wandering without thinking of any desire.  That seemed a bit unreal to me, because no matter how good things are going in life, there is always something in the back of my mind, whether it's a problem or a desire.  I feel like if you paid more attention to that, it could really improve the story.  

Response to "Deception"

Great job on this, Laurel.  To me, this story is about the failure of a marriage due to infidelity with a bit of action.  Marcy, the antagonist, is a middle aged wife of a dentist, Kevin.  She seems to really love Kevin and she gives him the benefit of the doubt on many different occasions.  However, Kevin is does not seem to enjoy the marriage anymore.  He works late often, and is generally sketchy.  By the end of the story, Marcy is in disbelief of her husband trying to murder her and being murdered by someone else.

I really liked the way you portrayed Marcy as a meek, unconditionally loving wife.  In the times when Kevin is acting shady, she yields to what he wants.  For instance, she sacrifices her want of a dog, lets Kevin go to the dental convention, etc.  Their conversations seemed very real.  The way Kevin would try to cover up his true intentions, and especially how he talked about how getting a dog was a bad idea, but the equipment was a good idea. Also I thought that minor character, Carol, was very real. She reminded me of the small town gossips that really exist in my hometown.

Despite how real these aspects were, I felt there was a lot lacking in the story concerning Marcy.  I didn't really see clearly what she wanted, and I couldn't tell how she changed at the end of the story.  Even though she is very meek, which I love, I feel like her reactions to Kevin would be a bit more bitter.  If you didn't want to go in that direction, I would suggest intensifying her insecurities.  Without working in these two directions, the story is left a little bland.  I would also suggest trying to establish the relationship between Marcy and Kevin earlier in the story.  I didn't find out how old they were or why Marcy was anxious until a few pages in.  I actually thought the two were in their early twenties for the first page and a half or so.

I really think this is a good idea.  It does seem to teeter on the edge of genre fiction, but I kinda dig mysteries/suspense.

Response to "Off"

Aimee Bender's story "Off" is a very unique story.  The unnamed main character and narrator is a narcissistic woman who seems to prey on other people, by using men for attention and competing with other women to boost her self-esteem.  It's difficult for me to say exactly what this character wants, but it is clear that it is a self-serving desire.  I would say, however, that she desires affirmation.  She thinks back to when she was in grade school and how her teacher never noticed how intricate and interesting her paintings were.  The teacher didn't say they were bad, but actually complemented them.  However, this did not please the narrator, because that was not the compliment she was looking for.  It was almost as if she wanted to be noticed as someone morbid, but beautiful. 

I think the title of this story is endlessly interesting.  "Off" was the name of pet she once owned.  Off was a purebred, which made sense since the main character was wealthy.  She would take Off to the park and yell its name and the dog would run to her.  She thought that this was equivalent to a tourist attraction to the others in the park.  I would bet that this is probably untrue, because of the unreliability of the narrator. She does not seem logical and very egocentric.  Anyway, she believed that her doing this perplexed the others.  When her purebred dog died early, she let it suffer and then fed its ashes to the cat next door, because it was tormented by Off's size.  

The way she treated this dog seemed to mirror how she acted at the party.  She severely mistreated the one who should have been closest to her, Adam, her ex-boyfriend.  She would lead him on, use him for a spectacle, and then rid herself of him as soon as possible.  

I feel like I could talk about this story for several pages.  I really liked it, despite the dismal subject matter. 

Response to "The Love of my Life"

"The Love of my Life" by T.C. Boyle is a story about two teenagers that are completely infatuated with each other.  Boyle chronicles one year of their lives together and how drastically circumstances changed for them.  In doing this, he uses the third person point of view which I thought was more than effective.  The narrator was able to bounce in and out of the heads of the two main characters, China and Jeremy.  I liked the way these two characters changed throughout the story.  Boyle inserted so much conflict in their lives, I felt extremely uncomfortable reading it.  However, the idea of having unprotected sex and hiding the pregnancy is a very a real one.  Every year this sort of thing happens.  Boyle used this real subject matter and wrote it in such a way that the reader could almost sympathize with the protagonists.  Several times reading this I had to stop and be grateful I wasn't in the shoes of the characters.

The imagery was outstanding.  Not only did Boyle take advantage of the graphic nature of this story to describe some very gruesome details, but he also paid attention to smaller aspects.  For instance, I loved the description of Jeremy's exhaustion on page 144:

"He'd never been so tired, his head on a string, shoulders slumped, his arms like two pillars of concrete."

Though the ending of this story made sense, I did not think it was fair.  If Jeremy were to go to jail, which I think was just, I wanted China there, too.  She seemed to be the reason that the baby was not born in a hospital, because she insisted that they ignore the problem.  However, Boyle stayed true to reality.  The fact that bad lawyers do exist, loopholes in the justice system are real, and life isn't fair, made the ending appropriate.

Lauren's "New Coach"

I got the feeling this story was about a huge conflict that really happened.  The main character, Kaylee, is a passionate athlete, but with the new coach there seems to be some really great conflict.  The new coach is cut-throat and does not seem to have the same passion.  He's motives seem to focus on glory and not love of the sport.  This creates a certain tension between the protagonist, Kaylee, and the antagonist, the new coach.  By the end of the story, Kaylee decides to stick to her guns instead of putting up with such a corrupt twist on the sport she loves.  Lauren, I feel like you wanted to show this large contrast which is popular in sports but in a small circumstance.  To me, the new coach represents the heartless side of athletics, where as the other girls, particularly Kaylee, represent the heart. 

I think the idea of contrasting what sports is about is working.  There seems to be a conflict of that in the real world from the differences between college football and the NFL and the way a parent overreacts to a call at a little league baseball game.  The dialogue is definitely strong.  I definitely hear the coach's speech being full of arrogance without any work of my imagination.  You did a good job painting that. Also, the dialogue between the girls is very accurate to what I think they would sound like. 

I would offer some advice here, though.  There is very little action in the story and a lot of telling.  The first page and a half or so are very large summations of the new coach's background that have potential for a lot of detail.  That is hard because that would be so much information and could actually probably be a whole book.  I think a good way to tell the coach's background is to put it in the dialogue between the two friends.  That would be a cool addition to this story I think, and I also think you could do it judging from your other dialogue sections.  

I think this story has a lot of potential, but I believe that you can spice it up a lot with some dialogue and action and maybe cutting back on the information. 

Cary's "Mountain Blood"

Cary, this is a great story.  I'm really impressed.  To me it's very clear that the main character is Chad Grune, the narrator.  I could tell that there was some unresolved trauma in his life by the second paragraph.  He seems like he's wants to get past all the pain he witnessed.  I loved the resolve at the end of the story and how Beau helped him to find it.  Chad seems to go from a troubled young man, barely able to cope with his loss, to a wiser version of himself with a better understanding of the world and how to cope with disappointment and heartache.  I got the feeling you were trying to get across the fact that everyone has some amount of evil within them.  No one is perfect.

I loved how you waited to reveal what exactly happened to Chad and his girlfriend.  It kept me interested throughout the whole story.  The conflict felt perfect.  It made sense how torn up Chad was about his girlfriend, because of the contrast versus good and evil.  Beau was a great character.  When Chad felt some resolve with what happened, he thanked Beau, and Beau's reaction was perfect.  "I hear him shuffle around in his bed and breathe a sigh of contentment."  That just matched up so well with his simple character.  

Most of the dialogue was very believable, but I do think it could use some polishing. For example on page 2: "They’re only workin’ one more week before they’re gone and fresh meat comes in."  This line didn't really match up with Beau's character me.  That may be because I like to picture him more respectable, but I just think "fresh meat" can be a bit cheesy. Also, the tense isn't consistent throughout the whole story.  I think it works best with the past tense, but that's just me.  Either one is good.  I didn't really like the idea of a serial killer.  That kind of seemed like an easy tragedy to come up with.  I would think of something a little different.  (I'll try to think of a suggestion with that for tomorrow).  The last thing I would consider revising is the title.  Although it is a cool title, I just don't think it was good for this particular story.

Cary, this story really speaks highly of your talent. I really enjoyed it.