Response to "A Dream"

Great story, J..J.  This is about a sorry guy named, Gabe.  He spends all of his time getting stoned and going to school.  He is never social and believes it has to do with how he is as a person.  He can't be social because he is too serious, he's fat, he can't be happy with anyone since his last girlfriend, etc.  After hanging out with his drug dealer, Win, and his friend Tori, (two awesome characters) he is alone and goes to sleep.  In his sleep, he hears a voice that basically says that all the crappy stuff in the world is beautiful underneath, and you have to be diligent to see it.  When Gabe wakes up he writes stories about what he has learned.

I liked how you contrasted his two dreams.  The first dream was dark and the liquid surrounding him was disgusting and he was unable to see through it.  The second was opposite but shared similar aspects (the flashbacks, the rainbows, etc.).  The story was so awkward and that was a great thing.  By the time Gabe was sitting with Win, I felt uncomfortable with the social awkwardness going on.  That was perfect.

I think you made Tori's character a little too obviously slutty.  I'm not too sure if that is a bad thing or not though.  The dialogue thoughout the story was good.  There was one part that I thought was unnecessary.  When Gabe is making the gravity bong the exchange follows,“Want a grav? You’re up.” “Yeah! For sure.”  I understood what was going on the whole time, and I didn't see the usefulness of this exchange between Tori and Gabe.  I really do like this story, man.  Other than those few things, I'd say it's great.

Response to "As Big as Light"

Robert, awesome story.  This was about a guy named Dean trying to hold on to memories as an aging man.  He writes in his diary and starts with this story.  It is about this boy Adrian who is arguing with his father.  His father has become a drunk because of his wife's debilitating health.  Adrian decides to try and commit suicide, but Dean talks him down.  At the end of the story, Adrian has become somewhat of a man.

This is a great idea.  I like stories told from an elderly perspective.  It's cool how you showed us Dean's past life in the way an old guy would tell a story.  Dean already had a problem with forgetting and you added one part where he trailed off and had to remind himself what he was talking about.  The trail off was actually great because it told me more about Adrian and emphasized the fact Dean is old and forgetful.  I loved the writing in general.  There were so many lines that I'm jealous of like, "perplexed, I turned and padded my way forward, feeling very much like a muffled, ominous metronome."  I think you really have something going for you as far as that goes.


I didn't figure out that Adrian was trying to kill himself with the rope until way after the rope was mentioned.  I'm not sure if that was your intention or not, but I originally thought that he had was vandalizing the house or something.  I thought that the rope was holding something above the door and it was a way to get back at his father.  Also, when Adrian was telling Dean about the lights on the house he mentions the more he would back up the bigger he would get.  If he was backing up towards the light, he would actually get smaller.

Response to "Dreams and Reality"

This is a story about Luke, a boy with a dream.  Working on the dairy farm with his father was not the life he wanted.  He felt like there had to be more to his life.  He wanted to make his own way.  He felt that his calling, was to be a baseball star.  His father took him out of the game, however.  He did not approve of Luke's ambition.  Luke was not one to give up however.  He started saving money in his shoebox for Mississippi State.  When he got there he found out he was no good and returned to his family.  Turns out his father had a check and a plane ticket sitting on deck for him.

This story was really a home run.  I liked the struggle between father and son.  Family commitment and personal dreams.  You have to go after your dreams.  That's why I like Luke so much.  He was never afraid to steal the base, even when he didn't get a signal from the coach.  The end of the story was great too.  I was expecting it to be a shutout with Luke getting what he wanted.  But he failed, and realized that his position was in right field with his family's farm.

There were a few things I didn't like about it though.  It mainly stemmed from the fact that it was such a quick story.  I think the lack of depth in the character of Eric was a failed sacrifice bunt. I wanted to know more about him.  You could show him cheering Luke on more, as opposed to his father.  I also wanted to see the father's heartache after Luke left the home team of his family.  That is a great conflict that you can work with more.  I think it would be a strikeout if you dropped this story, but if you polish it up, I know it will be the most valuable story.

Response to "Aveux"

This story is about a guy named Vince who is dealing with a lot of issues.  His wife committed suicide years before, and he was so torn up, he could only confide in the love he had for his daughter and his dog, Shadow.  He eventually started having an affair with a lady named Erica.  He explains to her that he doesn't believe God cares about him or anything.  God and love are fairy tales. Erica eventually commits suicide and Vince is arrested for it.  He goes to jail, gets out, and writes a self help book. The daughter points out that his book is contradictory to the Bible.  After feeling guilty, he suggests they move and start over, leaving his aged dog behind.  He then realizes that God is faithful to show his love to us.

I liked the idea of this story.  I think it was cool that he was framed for a murder that was really a suicide that resulted from his insecurities and insensitivity.  I think his secludedness and apathy were believable considering all the trouble he went through.  I think the dialogue really pushed the story along without being too obvious.

I think this story was a little bit too busy though.  There was so many things that happened, but they were summed up so it was hard to see the conflict. I think your story would be better if you focused on one or two of the things that happen.  If it were me, I would start the story with him getting out of jail and deciding to write his self help novel.  Then, focus on the conflict with the church, his daughter, and the praise from the media.  The fact is, all the details you have are the makings of a full novel, not a short story.

Response to "Casting Shadows"

This story is a about a girl who has died and is in a world called, Sanctuary.  A lot of the beginning of the story is her figuring out who she is and where she is.  From what I read, it seems like she always wanted a  life in which she could make her own choices (she was 16).  When she got into Sanctuary she realized that she was the subject of a conspiracy run by the guy that killed her, Kain.  I wasn't too clear what the conspiracy was about.  She gets freaked out and runs away from sanctuary. The main character realized that she wanted a normal life, but was being pursued.  She ends up trying to kill her trainer Kage, and then kills herself, and the story ends.

Even though your story is unconventional, it did grasp my attention.  It reminded me a bit of the movie "Wrist Cutters." I liked the idea of exploring the afterlife and how there are troubles just like in regular life.  I like the way you brought her into the new world and described the world she was in.

The extreme detail of the story really confused me and lost my attention.  I couldn't understand what the conspiracy was, what the training was for, etc.  I feel like you could get rid of a lot of the details like her bedroom, her training, etc. You should focus more on the actual conflict of the story.  I think that the subject matter in general might have fallen under the category of genre-fiction. I only say that because a lot of the subject matter was over my head.  I still like your idea.  Just make it a little more accessible to a large audience of readers. On a smaller note, I don't really like your random interjections like, "great," "yippe," "oh well," etc.  Also. there are a lot of places, specifically compound sentences, in your story that need commas.

Response to "Whatever Gods May Be"

Cool story, Kody!  This was a story about a guy named Thomas who became a pastor, but through reading certain passages in the Bible, ended up questioning his faith.  The desires of the character are a littler unclear until he reads the passage about Abraham which is the verse that shakes his faith.  He seems to want to resolve this crisis so he can go about his life but doesn't do much to pursue the resolve.  The conflict is obviously his crisis of faith.  At the end of the story, he resigns from his position after talking to his wife and coming up with no belief.  He doesn't seem to want to lie to himself about what he does and does not believe.  I think this story is trying to convey the idea that some people don't believe simply because they just can't force themselves to.  It must be natural and in Thomas' case, it was not natural. 

I like the subject matter.  The crisis of faith tends to be a popular subject in each person's life and in conversations (or debates).  I think the fact that you use a preacher as the main character is a good choice. Preachers do lose their faith and the conflict is larger since you made his profession directly tied with Christianity. 

To me, the main problems with this story are the lack of depth in character and scenes.  I feel like the relationship between Thomas and his wife was overly-perfect.  A lot of this came from the shallowness of the wife I think.  When Thomas was thinking about changing careers, she didn't object at all.  When he confronted her with his new disbelief in Christianity and the Bible she said, "Everything I believe comes from you." She kind of seems like a bland sidekick.  These scenes are good opportunities for conflict and deepening the character of Bethany.  I also think the part where she tells Thomas about her pregnancy went to smoothly and too fast.  The fact that they had money problems should have brought forth some tension.  Other than this stuff, I think you've got a lot of good stuff to work with.