This story is a about a girl who has died and is in a world called, Sanctuary. A lot of the beginning of the story is her figuring out who she is and where she is. From what I read, it seems like she always wanted a life in which she could make her own choices (she was 16). When she got into Sanctuary she realized that she was the subject of a conspiracy run by the guy that killed her, Kain. I wasn't too clear what the conspiracy was about. She gets freaked out and runs away from sanctuary. The main character realized that she wanted a normal life, but was being pursued. She ends up trying to kill her trainer Kage, and then kills herself, and the story ends.
Even though your story is unconventional, it did grasp my attention. It reminded me a bit of the movie "Wrist Cutters." I liked the idea of exploring the afterlife and how there are troubles just like in regular life. I like the way you brought her into the new world and described the world she was in.
The extreme detail of the story really confused me and lost my attention. I couldn't understand what the conspiracy was, what the training was for, etc. I feel like you could get rid of a lot of the details like her bedroom, her training, etc. You should focus more on the actual conflict of the story. I think that the subject matter in general might have fallen under the category of genre-fiction. I only say that because a lot of the subject matter was over my head. I still like your idea. Just make it a little more accessible to a large audience of readers. On a smaller note, I don't really like your random interjections like, "great," "yippe," "oh well," etc. Also. there are a lot of places, specifically compound sentences, in your story that need commas.
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