Cary's "Mountain Blood"

Cary, this is a great story.  I'm really impressed.  To me it's very clear that the main character is Chad Grune, the narrator.  I could tell that there was some unresolved trauma in his life by the second paragraph.  He seems like he's wants to get past all the pain he witnessed.  I loved the resolve at the end of the story and how Beau helped him to find it.  Chad seems to go from a troubled young man, barely able to cope with his loss, to a wiser version of himself with a better understanding of the world and how to cope with disappointment and heartache.  I got the feeling you were trying to get across the fact that everyone has some amount of evil within them.  No one is perfect.

I loved how you waited to reveal what exactly happened to Chad and his girlfriend.  It kept me interested throughout the whole story.  The conflict felt perfect.  It made sense how torn up Chad was about his girlfriend, because of the contrast versus good and evil.  Beau was a great character.  When Chad felt some resolve with what happened, he thanked Beau, and Beau's reaction was perfect.  "I hear him shuffle around in his bed and breathe a sigh of contentment."  That just matched up so well with his simple character.  

Most of the dialogue was very believable, but I do think it could use some polishing. For example on page 2: "They’re only workin’ one more week before they’re gone and fresh meat comes in."  This line didn't really match up with Beau's character me.  That may be because I like to picture him more respectable, but I just think "fresh meat" can be a bit cheesy. Also, the tense isn't consistent throughout the whole story.  I think it works best with the past tense, but that's just me.  Either one is good.  I didn't really like the idea of a serial killer.  That kind of seemed like an easy tragedy to come up with.  I would think of something a little different.  (I'll try to think of a suggestion with that for tomorrow).  The last thing I would consider revising is the title.  Although it is a cool title, I just don't think it was good for this particular story.

Cary, this story really speaks highly of your talent. I really enjoyed it.