Jeremy's "Dreams"

Jeremy, I was very impressed by your story.  To me, it seemed like a commentary on perseverance and adolescence and how those two go hand-in-hand.  The story tends to revolve around the two characters Hikari and Sora.  Hikari was the first character introduced, but Sora acts as the protagonist.  He is determined to be strong and skilled enough to defend himself in any situation.  He will know he's accomplished this when he beats the captain, Ryu.  The story does not seem to have much conflict, but acts like an exposition without anything afterwords.  The only change that happens is the relationship between Hikari and Sora, which I liked.

I also loved the dialogue.  I'm not too good at that and was impressed at your ability to make the relationship between Hikari and Sora so real and believable.  It seemed very natural. I also liked the open ending, even though it's on the edge of cliche.

Despite how much I liked it, I do feel like the dialogue could use some polishing.  There were points where it was dragging out a bit or was too vague. When Sora starting describing his relationship with Ryu and why they fight every day, that took away from the present where Hikari and Sora were talking.  Actions between the two became sort of limited.  The story about Ryu and Sora was also sort of summed up very quickly, taking away from the interest.  However, that story about Ryu and Sora seemed interesting if there were more detail.  There were a couple of interactions between Sora and Hikari that seemed a little strange.  The main example I can think of is when Sora laughs until he's crying about something that didn't seem to me that funny.

I liked the story, Jeremy.  If I had to offer any advice, I would say to make the story more about Ryu and Sora and how they met, or take it in a less expository direction and focus on Hikari and Sora.  Overall, I think you're on to something.