Response to "Perfect"

This story is about a girl who has decided to be extroverted and fun upon entering college, but really just seems sort of insane.  The conflict seems to be the fact that no one likes this girl.  Reading this story is like watching her life spiral downwards.  It's pretty painful and awesome. The narration of the story is told from the third person perspective.  You can tell that the narrator is biased towards the main character.  The interactions are really funny and interesting.  The main character has bad hygene and is over-eager to talk to guys.  She really hates other girls, especially her former best friend, Darcy.  By the end of the downward spiral of the story, the main character sees that she has been acting absolutely nuts and wants to go back to being her former self.  She invites Darcy over to patch things up.  This sounds like a classic college story of that one girl that goes crazy.

I think this is a great subject choice!  I really liked the awkward conversations that came from this story.  I especially liked how when people would walk away from the main character, she would assume they were jealous or to blown away by her natural beauty.  She couldn't accept that people were just weirded out by her.  I liked the small details you brought to the table such as how she is failing college, her inability to help others in her group because of talking and laughing, her talk with her concerned mother, etc.

I think this story is missing something.  I feel like the main character, although she is acting crazy and probably looks a bit gross, should have some other flaws.  In the story, people are avoiding her so much, and I don't feel like people are that cold.  I feel like some people would be polite and let her craziness slide just to avoid an awkward situation.  I would suggestion making her a rabid alcoholic, but not really mention it too much.  Just casually say something about her water bottle she filled with vodka because it helps her be more outgoing.  That would make it more tragic and believable to me.

Response to "Cats"

Rhamah, I really like your writing style.  Great story.  This story seems to follow a main character who is the narrator and works at an animal shelter, particularly one for cats.  One day a family comes in to possibly buy a cat.  The family consists of a father, mother, and daughter.  They do not seem like the type of people who would even like a cat, especially the mother.  The daughter picks out a cat but can't get it.  The father doesn't like that it has only one eye. The owner really tries to sell a cat to the family. The main character seems to dislike the owner.  The owner comes off as a salesman (saleswoman I guess I should say) to me.  She doesn't care about where the cats go, just as long as she can get rid of them.  I feel like the narrator picks up on this after the owner, or the Cat Lady, says that the visitors who didn't take any cats would have provided a good home: "No, they wouldn’t, I want to say to her. They would have hated a cat. The man with his wrinkled nose and the woman with her fear of hair and the little girl with no respect for claws or lost eyes would have hated any cat, even one as perfect for a family as Lily."  Lily is an unusually friendly cat that the narrator seems to be fond of.  When a young man, about fourteen, walks into the shelter, he comments that he's looking for a cat that could get along with a dog.  Lily used to live with dogs so the narrator invites the boy to look at her.  Lily acts out of character for a moment and bites the boy.  The boy is deterred from buying the cat and asks about the kittens that were brought in at the beginning of the story, and is even willing to wait until they are healthy enough to be given away.  To me this story seems to say something about the imperfections of people.

I like the way you write Rhamah.  The dialogue seemed great and your descriptions were mostly clear and invited my attention.  I like the idea of peering into what it is like to work at animal shelter like this.  It is an opportunity to say a lot about people's unachievable standards for others or for the feeling of rejection and loneliness.

I don't really understand the wants of any particular character, though.  I feel like the plot is weak as a result of a clear path.  I think you should work on the relationship between conflict and desires of the main character or any character.

Response to "Incarnations of Burned Children"

I've read this story for a few other classes and am still blown away by its strength.  The story is about these parents trying to give first aid and console their child.  The story is filled with urgency from the very beginning.  I think David Foster Wallace does a great job in the content of describing the urgency.  Also, I think the way the story is actually written attests to the urgency within the story.  For example, the whole story is literally one big paragraph.  The sentences within this paragraph are very long and full of action.  They describe the thoughts that race through the mind of the father and assist his urgency in fixing the problem.  

The pont of view is interesting.  I feel like this story would be a good story if it were told from the point of view of the father or mother, but it would not accomplish the same things that this version does.  The third person perspective is able to view the scene as a whole and separate the reader from it at random moments.  For instance, during the chaos the narrator breaks from the scene for a sentence to describe "a bird in the oak across the driving" watching the door hanging by a hinge. 

The outcome of the child's fate is a little unclear.  I interpreted it as the child losing his childhood.  He doesn't die, because his "body expanded and walked about and drew pay and lived its life untenanted..." I do think however, that the innocence was taken from the child.

The shortest sentence in the story is a strong summary of what this is about: "If you've never wept and want to, have a child."  The fact that as you raise a child he or she will experience pain in some way is a crushing realization.  

Response to "The summer of Lemon Drops"

Great story, Nate.  This is a story about a guy who gets sentenced to community service for, from what I can tell, being drunk.  He doesn't reveal his name, but the guy he works with, John, calls him "college boy."  After his confrontation with a sort of manly female police officer, college boy goes to Florida to do his community Florida instead of going to New York for an internship he had his heart set on.  College boy describes in good detail what his job entails and his daily routine basically.  One day, while digging, he discovers a wooden chest with a not attached to it.  The note is in German.  John guesses that it is treasure and sure enough there is gold in it.  After daydreaming about their plans, John reveals that it's just lead with gold paint.

I think this is a cool idea.  It seems like you know a lot about the type of work that college boy is forced to do.  I liked how you were able to go into detail about that stuff.  It was really believable and added to the story.  I liked the relationship you created between John and the narrator.  I know some guys that remind me of John and you did a great job bringing out that content, older character.

I do think there are some things that are missing from this story, however.  I think the story lacks the conflict that it needs, and I'm not really sure what the character wants, either.  I feel like once you figure out the wants of the character, the conflict will be easy to come up with.  I think you could do something with the relationship between John and the narrator to cause conflict.  Maybe John could be a drunk, abusive, etc.  Maybe instead of there being a treasure chest, have some other type of incident that happens with John that is really crazy.  I feel like that would create a lot of change in the narrator.  Also, I don't really see where lemon drops play into the story.  Maybe you can work with that symbolism a little more.

Response to "Animals"

Another great story, Adam.  To me this story is about a guy, who isn't named, who is obsessed with being rebellious.  He tends to really stress the fact that he is a twisted, troubled criminal, but that he is good at what he does.  I think he is very untrustworthy for his stories, but that makes me really love him.  His girlfriend plays a large role in his life.  He loves her almost as much as his "dangerous" lifestyle and is obsessed with bringing out her primal, animalistic spirit.  He immediately feels guilty after he reaction to his efforts backfire.  It almost seems like he was looking for confirmation that he was heroic or interesting since he was a thief.  She reacted in a way that did not support that and he felt sort of dumb.  After the death of his sister and his spiral into depression, she turns the corner and becomes the type of person he always wanted her to be.  At the point where she is "corrupted," our main character is not happy, but guilty that he has tainted someone like her. 

I really liked the unreliability of the narrator.  There was one point where he mentioned something about curb stomping someone.  I definitely think that he was lying or exaggerating at best.  I like how that made him.  As usual, your imagery is really powerful.  I liked especially when you were talking about the seed and the vine when it came to innocent girls.  

One of the only things I would really suggest for this is to add more dialogue.  The whole thing is being told, and I think there is something to be said about that.  The voice is really made known in that.  However, I think that the use of dialogue in certain instances would add to the weight of the story.  For instance, when he brings the jacket to Jenny.  That would be great dialogue.  I definitely think you should still put more weight on the voice, though.  Just add in some dialogue to keep it fresh and add to the intensity. 

Response to "For the Love of the Game"

This is a story about a girl named Lindsey and her search for her father, Joel Johnson.  Joel is a major league pitcher.  Lindsey has never met her dad and lives alone with her mom.  Her mother is hesitant to even speak with Lindsey about her dad, but of course, Lindsey is curious.  She gets tickets to go to a game that her dad is playing and ends up getting the chance to meet him.  However, she finds that he wasn't ready for that, and reads a personal letter he left her.

I loved the descriptions of the video.  I liked how you took your time to really get into the moment of what was going on.  Baseball is a relatively slow sport.  A description like this wouldn't work for something like soccer or football I don't think.  I was nervous the story would just be about the actual game that was going on, but you did a great job changing scenes and focusing in on Lindsey.  I also liked the amount of conflict.  You really did a spectacular job over all.

I think this story should be longer.  You did such a good job of describing each second of Joel on the pitcher's mound in the video tape, but the rest of the story seemed rushed.  For instance, the officer that led her to the locker room.  I thought it was kind of convenient that he was there and was so willing to offer her a chance to meet Joel.  I think in reality he would be more hesitant.  I think maybe some dialogue between the two would help.  Also, an hour and a half seems like a short amount of time to wait on her dad she hasn't seen in her whole life.  I feel like she would be forced out of the building. Finally, I think you should tell the reader the age of Lindsey.  At first I thought she was a little girl and then in college.

I really liked this story.  You've got a lot of skill.  This just needs a little polishing.

Response to "Losing Sincerity"

"Losing Sincerity" is a story about this guy named Brad who is the supervisor of a hotel bar and restaurant.  Brad is a younger guy, about twenty I think, who simply wants "to party, date, and experience college" like his fellow peers do.  However, Brad has a responsibility that the others don't have and a bit of a lust for power.  At some points Brad admits to "[loving] the sense of power" that came with his job.  He tends to view other people as shallow, incompetent, and unfair in their criticisms of him.  Despite the fact he enjoys belittling people and giving out orders, he has grown weary of this job.  The first paragraph really establishes this.  Brad seems to want a change, and to live a normal college life, but stays at his job. The night this story takes place, there is a huge party that will most likely spiral out of control.

I liked that this was a story about the hotel restaurant business.  I generally like stories about restaurants, but this was especially cool because I've never heard of how the hotel business works.  I think it's interesting the way he views the college students that are at the bar partying.  He views them as stupid and a nuisance.  However, the lifestyle they live is the lifestyle he wants.  So he treats everyone as stupid, shuts the party down, etc.  I'm not sure if this is a result of his feelings of jealousy and bitterness, or if he is so responsible that he does his job like a professional and does not give in to his jealousy.

I do think the story could use more conflict between Alyson and Brad.  I liked the conflict of the huge party, but I felt like the relationships and hatred of Brad should be emphasized.  I also think there could be more of a change in Brad.  As a result of all the conflict with the strained relationships, Brad could be confronted with his egotism.

Great job on this, Taylor. I think with a little polishing this story will be just right.